Getting Ready to Launch

Well, alot of effort has been spent lately into the construction of our website. Carlo has been so amazing at learning the software while i gather the text, photos, and layout for the site. It's been a lot of tedius work to make things look polished from the get go, and we are realising it is more work than we thought it would be. But it makes me giddy when i see it coming to life. I think we aren't far from launching. The main challenge has been getting the bank accounts sorted, as in the UK even a Brit has a hard time opening up a bank account. People born and raised in England get rejected by banks on opening accounts, which doesn't bode well for me, but with Carlo's UK status we have been able to get through a few hula hoops. We are pretty close to things coming together though, i'm really so thrilled to invite everyone to take a peek. Soon....

Mom discovered Skype today, it made her really excited to see us in video on her screen. I felt glad she was able to see us, it's tough when you are so far away from family. But the power of the internet makes us feel closer, and the world feels so much smaller.

I booked my ticket for Vegas today and will be there for 5 days for the property technology exhibition. It will be very good for me to get in there and network in the states. There is loads happening there and Vegas is just an incredible place to visit. A little dose once in a while is always memorable.

Since our return from Sweden, we have been juicing everyday, Beets, Carrots, Apples, Ginger and a little Tangerine. It's made a world of difference and I feel alot more energy. Carlo even got me running again, so we go for 20 minute jogs every day before lunch, and it almost made me gag the first day as my lungs were soooo out of shape. But i felt compelled to go the next day, and after a few days, i do feel more enthusiastic about daily exercise. This is a giant feat as i'm much more recreational normally, but with the shitty weather, golf and bike rides are not in my routine these days.

Spiritually, i have been feeling pretty weak. I don't feel tapped into the zone, the inspirational place i need so much where i feel i really blossom and am at my best. Alot of it is atmosphere, and being inbetween. With Carlo not working and the plan to move to the coast, we are about to go through another transition. And although i'm used to transition, you're never really used to it. There are alot of unknowns at the moment, and with the fast approaching expiry date on my passport visa, I will soon be heading back to Vancouver with a lump in my throat about how the heck i'm gonna get back here. Time's ticking and there are a few things in the works, but nothing is ever guaranteed. I wonder if life takes you through a wave pattern in your spirituality, where you go through a time where you stop, reflect, and reassess. And then on the other end of the spectrum, there is a time that you set off in motion with new plans. I dont' know, but i still dont' feel quite myself.

I do feel i have been battling a few inner demons lately. Mainly again, dealing with my past. I have flash backs of things i have done that i am not proud of, bad decisions, or where i had failed myself. I wish i can take them back, or not have to live with knowing that i am not perfect and have hurt others or have been hurt. I have such a good memory that it can be a curse, there are things i wish i could forget. These things plague me in the very quiet moments, just before i sleep or in my dreams. They are the things that can set off the start to my day. Those things seem to feed the fear inside me, question my integrity if i am a better person now, and that i am progressing towards the pillar of wisdom and strength i wish to be. These thoughts are what seem to drag around my ankles when i walk, they make me feel insecure at times, question if i have what it takes to be successful and happy. When i look into the future, these are my greatest fears.

I still crave the finer things in life. Although i try to practice being content, there are things in life i wish to acquire and covet. I know this could be detremental to my future. How does one cope when we are surrounded by environments that challenge us to maintain a particular status? And why do i crave it so much? I hide when i don't feel i live up to the world's expectations, I let status intimidate me. This is certainly not me in my forte. But why now? Lately I have fallen back into the old habit of comparing myself to others, measuring myself to them. This is wrong, and it only drives a wedge between me and happiness. I catch myself doing it all the time. Sometimes i wish i could just ask someone to hypnotize me and reprogram my brain. Without daily meditation on centering your focus and strength on good thoughts from the root, I'm doomed. Everytime i am true and diligent, I'm on the right path. Whenever i get swept off my feet, i drift back into the old thoughts and old ways, and then everything seems to stress me out. My speech has been more negative, even if it shows only subtly on the outside, inside it feels massive on my heart.

Having my own project is what keeps me looking forward to better things, creating something feels so good. Obviously i know so many people are watching and waiting and perhaps even secretly thinking i'll fail. I have to beleive in myself and believe in God even more now, and it will be a true test of my dedication as well as my faith. I'm still not quite sure how the next few months will come together, but it looks like a giant mountain.

I need a giant wave of God's presence to wash over me. I think I crave that more than anything else in the world right now. There is nothing more special that can build and strengthen, than to be in the Father's grip. In such a souless place, I hope He can hear my prayer. Im in need of a serious detox.