Money

One of the greatest problems I have is in handling money.
I am organized, neat, tidy and clean.
I work hard, overtime, deal with jetlag, funny water, funny food.
I am disciplined, can do atkins, no sugar, hit the gym relentlessly.
I have been dedicated to music, put in hard time to learn piano, saxaphone, violin, trumpet.
I even excelled at maths.
With these characteristics a part of me I am dumbfounded at my dismissal for the monetary value of things. Money doesn't actually mean that much to me.
I hate it.
But I need it for the pleasures and necessities that fulfill my life.
Rent, Food, Transportation...
Travelling, clothing, bags....
and let's not forget the shoes.....shooooooz!!!

I dont' think about the price most of the time that I spend money on little things. Obviously I'm limited when it comes to the bigger things, but even then....I just assume that somehow these things will appear in my life some way or another. And they have.

I became very aware of something this week. It was only the other day that finally someone said something to me that actually twigged and made a difference.
"People work so hard to make cash, then spend it on trash."

Oh God, that was me!

I am a good person, generally nice, have good family and friends around me, and have done good in school or whatever job I've done. I enjoy giving to people, and people enjoy giving to me. When I was young I had the most hectic schedule starting from early mornings on the water at rowing practice to late nights at a music theory course, piano lesson, or taking stats for the school basketball team. I didn't grow up doing chores, cutting grass, doing odd jobs for money. My parents were always there to provide me with the things I needed or wanted. I never saved up for a bike, a car, or anything of serious significance to a kid, or teenager, or adult. Never.

When I met my first boyfriend, he was a millionaire, my first time on a plane...the flight was free, to Hawaii. It was pretty much shortly after that I lived a first class lifestyle with a ridiculous monthly allowance that provided anything I needed or wanted, and there was little limitation. It all came so easy. When the relationship ended I was 23, with still no skills of saving.

I went back to Vancouver, lived with my parents, determined somehow to believe that my life could continue at a similar standard. I dreaded normality. (I now still believe it is not my destiny.) I went back to my modelling agency, and won my first audition. I made $3500 in one afternoon and I bought a cheap little mazda hatchback I named Oopie. No saving skills necessary.

It wasn't until I moved out on my own that I felt the burden of finances, yet I still wasn't completely strict. Getting my job with BMW meant I had a brand new MINI, the car of my dreams! Although it was a company car, I managed to create a cool little lifestyle living in downtown Vancouver. And oh, did i mention the Visa Gold card I was approved for after working there 6 months? Well, yes, that made life a lot more fun too...

By 27, I was spending more than I earned, and to downsize my expenses I needed to look for a room mate. This is when Robert offered for me to move in with him, into a million dollar penthouse flat with marina front views in the prestigious heart of Yaletown. I could not say no.

Good things have come my way, and I am forever thankful for all life's blessings. I have experienced and seen more than most and do not regret a single moment. But at 31, I still have not learned how to save, or budget or plan for something I really want. The idea of saving does not sit well, and infact I dont' know "how" to do it. Last week when this was brought to my attention I automatically felt like I'd failed.

But I was reminded not to be so hard on myself, which is hard because I am always hard on myself. But instead of moping about it, I've decided this is what my new focus must be for this coming year. 2009 is about shifting my perspective.

It's a skill I need to learn, just like learning an instrument, or how to do a new job.
If I can master this, than surely this will empower me and the other characteristics I have. We all have our vices. I'm not a drinker, I dont' smoke, I dont' indulge in drugs. But my spending is an illness I must address.