A Whole Whack of Changes

I've been desperate for a change in mindset lately, and in the last week there's been a breakthrough. I've been feeling better the past couple day and life has been shifting in a positive motion as well.

Since Carlo and I have moved to Bournemouth, I got my residency permit, which was a tremendous relief! Then, with not telling my IT job i'd moved, I felt a lot of guilt on my conscience. But I felt trapped as I could not pursue another job until i knew my residency here was secure. The day it arrived, i knew i could start making changes and move forward.

I only had my visa a few days, but the guilt i'd been carrying on about not telling my employer that i'd moved brought me alot of sleepless nites and tummy aches. I couldn't bear it any longer and after having a talk with Carlo, he encouraged me to secure a new job before telling my boss i was quitting. But, i told him i didn't want to wait, i couldn't take it any more, and I was NOT afraid to find another job. So, that next morning i tendered my resignation and felt a huge lift off my shoulders.

But it never stops really. Following this, I started to register with all the recruitment agencies in Bournemouth, and job hunting in the papers and online portals. Most recruitment people don't even care to meet you, they take one look at your CV and if it doesn't match any of the jobs they currently have they don't give a toss about you. Then meeting and speaking with some, you spend an hour registering with them, hoping they will help you out, and you NEVER hear from them again, not one call, not one email. When you are looking for work, it is the peak opportunity for insecurity, fear and self doubt to threaten your well being. I had days where people made me feel like i was not worthy, uneducated, not skilled enough etc. It was horrible, i could've curled up in a ball and cried some days. Some of the very few agents that were dealing with me strongly recommended that i be more flexible with my salary expectations now that i was not going to be in London.....But I am not the kind to settle for less, i just never have. Thank goodness i was at least stubborn enough to stick my ground when it came to that. Deep inside, I also had this feeling that no agent would be the one to secure a new position for me. It would be me who would find it, and it would be the perfect fit.

I have made a decision to take a small break from starting my business. It isn't because i don't want to do it, because i do. But, there are too many things that are up in the air for me at the moment. I don't even have a home yet, I'm not established in the community, i have no friends here, and have to concentrate and focus on feeling strong where I am now. And I fully see the company up and going in time, when these things are a little more settled for me. I will see it through, and it will be successful. Plus, it will only benefit us to have more contacts in the community when our business is ready to properly launch.

I've been working from home the last year. And it's been really isolating at times. My meetings are often quite serious and hard going, and I dont' have much of a social outlet next to Carlo. He is my world, and i need to expand on it, make it a little more balanced. Thankfully, he is an amazing rock, and his family are near and they are so incredible and supportive. But, there is alot that i want to cultivate for myself too, and there is a void i must fill. Not being near my London friends has also made me slightly homesick.....although I must stress, i do not miss London that much. The stress and sea of grumpy people are history!

While I was on my mission to meet with recruitment agents, I came across a glossy magazine, a free publication that basically provides a guide to what's happening in Bournemouth. I took a free copy and flipped thru it at home. The cover was stylish and it made a nice accessory to our bare coffeetable. But then i picked it up again a week later, found their website, and saw that there were job vacancies. So, I called, then sent my CV and cover letter. 20 mins later, I got the call from the MD, and after 3 interviews, I've been offered the position. I was so thrilled and happy to accept. It's great because this position will introduce me to all the owners of the best clubs, bars, restaurants, clothings shops, salons etc. This is exactly what i needed and focused my mind on acheiving. And it seems that in 2 wks, things are looking much more positive.

Saab has a commercial with this soundtrack that i really like. It was Carlo who mentioned it first, and then i found out who the artist was. It's a new band called Oh Laura from Stockholm. I love Scandanavians, they make such good tunes! I wrote out the lyrics and thought about them.
She may have been talking about her relationship with someone else. But I interpret it to be talking about the relationship we have with ourselves. I think we have a tug of war within ourselves, where the part of us that wants to be happy and have all the things that we could dream of... fights with the part of us that holds ourself back for no other reason than some form of fear. It's like a separate entity that we think is a part of us, and this entity holds us back. I always bring it up, but i cannot help but bring my attention to it because I believe Fear actually controls our lives more than we even care to notice. And if we can actually pay attention, I think we can "release" ourselves from that fear, realise we are stronger than any negative emotion or negative thought, and recognize that we CAN do and acheive the things we never thought possible. The biggest feat is starting with ourselves by becoming aware. The things we wish for and dream about ARE possible, and they DO happen, at any age or time. One week ago i was pretty depressed, I felt down about not finding work, not having any friends here, I was homesick and generally feeling quite low, my mind spinning with loads of random negative thoughts. Now I know when i get like this I can get pretty scary, so to reverse this I started reading a book called "The Law of Attraction and How to make it Work for You." I began practicing some of the excercises the book recommended and began focusing my thoughts on what I wanted and imagined myself already there in my head. And one week later, there has already a dramatic difference...... it is slowly becoming my reality! I have a job that will supply me with a better salary, a brand new car( a MINI ), the ability to meet all the top business people in the community, and an opportunity to be in a young creative environment. I've even had calls from friends I don't talk to often who were on my my mind but randomly called me out of the blue.

If this is just the beginning, how powerful could this really be? If I stick to this, could I really see some awesome events continue to happen? I am actually excited for the first time in a long time about this, because I believe in it whole heartedly. I believe we as humans are magnets, and what we think about we magnetize to us, it comes into our world directly. The only thing that holds us back, is our attention to negativity and most of all FEAR.

I have believed in the power of thought for quite some time now, but this week my comprehension of it has grown deeper. This has been my recent enlightenment. The biggest inner battle I have is in releasing and letting go. But my awareness is growing. Baby steps.

..............

I am the wilderness locked in a cage
I am a growing force you kept in place
I am a tree reaching for the sun
Please don’t hold me down

Please don’t hold me down.

I am a rolling wave without the motion
A glass of water longing for the ocean
I am an asphalt flower breaking free
But you keep stopping me

Release me.
Release me.

I am the rain that’s coming down on you.
That you shielded yourself from with a roof
I am the fire burning desperately
But you’re controlling me

Release me.
Release me.


-Laura Sweden


Click play to hear the song. It's my song of the day :)